26 Things that simply aren't allowed at dear old Hoggy-Warty-Hogwarts
by ehcorns
Summary: Thaddeus Thatch and Jinx O'Malley: mischief-makers extraordinaires. One-shot of non-stop shenanigans
1. Chapter 1

**A fun little one-shot of 26 things that just simply aren't allowed at dear old Hoggy-Warty-Hogwarts. Enjoy~**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP nor any of the references. Some of these quips are spun off ideas found in the deep dark internet, but most are from my own interesting imagination.  
**

* * *

Thaddeus Thatch and Jinx O'Malley: mischief-makers extraordinaire, right below the infamous Weasley twins. During their adventures at Hogwarts, they find out a few things they just simple aren't allowed to do.

* * *

Number 1: I am not allowed to roast marshmallows over the Goblet of Fire

"Thatch! O'Malley! Just what do you think you're doing?"

"Why, roasting marshmallows, of course, professor!"

"_Over the Goblet of Fire?_"

"And popcorn, too! It gives it a more magical taste. Would you like some, Professor? It's extra buttery."

* * *

Number 2: I am not allowed to send prank howlers

"Oh, the mail's here! Not long, now."

"Wonderful…"

"Look, everyone! Neville's got himself a howler!"

"Well, go on, Neville, open it up."

Rick Astley's resonating voice filled the hall, accompanied by the classic eighties pop music.

"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN, NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU!"

"Haha, you just got Rick Rolled!"

"Thatch, O'Malley! Detention!"

"Oh, bollocks."

* * *

Number 3: I am not allowed to blame Harry Potter for stealing my socks when I can't find them

"Where the bloody hell is my other sock? Is Potter stealing socks and giving them to house-elves, again?"

* * *

Number 4: I am not allowed to use Lord of the Rings references as excuses for tardiness

"But, professor! A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

"Detention, O'Malley… Don't be late next time, or you shall not pass."

"Oh, that's not fair, professor!"

* * *

Number 5: I am not allowed to enchant instruments to play the Macarena during the Yule Ball

"Dale a tu cuerpo alegria macarena  
Que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa buena  
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, macarena  
Hey Macarena!"

"Detention, Thatch, O'Malley!"

* * *

Number 6: I am not allowed to TP the Whomping Willow

"It's a work of art, isn't it?"

"Beautiful—a pure masterpiece, if I do say so myself. The contrast of the toilet paper on the branch really does wonders for the aesthetic."

"What in the world? Thatch, O'Malley! Detention!"

* * *

Number 7: I am not allowed to make fun of other students' dress robes

"Hey, Weasley! Austin Powers called, he wants his suit back."

* * *

Number 8: I am not allowed to make fun of Professor Snape's limp

"No, Potter, you've got it all wrong. That's not his limp, that's his swagger!"

"Detention, Thatch!"

* * *

Number 9: I am not allowed to encourage the first year Hufflepuffs to smoke weed

"Why, hullo, ickle-firsties."

"Would you lot like to huff le puff?"

"Huh?"

"Come on, ickle-firsties, let's get _hiiiiiiiiiiigh_—grades! Good afternoon, professor!"

"Do I even have to say it this time?"

"Yeah, we know, detention."

* * *

Number 10: I am not allowed to _badger_ Cedric Diggory with Hufflepuff puns

"Diggory! What kind of cereal do we eat at Hogwarts?"

"What?"

"Hufflepuffs!"

* * *

Number 11: I am not allowed to order McDonald's via owl

"Would you smell that? Smells like diabetes in the form of a delicious chicken nugget!"

"Pass one over, would you?"

"Don't you dare touch my chicken nuggets, you uncultured swine!"

"Five points from Hufflepuff, O'Malley!"

"Oh, look, he's shaking things up a bit. But I was rather fond of our late-night dates…"

* * *

Number 12: I am still not allowed to badger Cedric Diggory with Hufflepuff puns

"Hey, Diggory, it says here you're the most eligible bachelor at Hogwarts. I really don't _find_ that surprising at all."

"If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to deduct house points."

* * *

Number 13: I am not allowed to make sexual innuendos in class

"Alright class, I want a fourteen-inch paper by next week on the different properties and uses of wolfsbane."

"_I'll_ give you fourteen-inches."

"You don't need to say _Lumos_ to turn me on."

"Thatch, O'Malley! Stop talking and get to work!"

* * *

Number 14: I am not allowed to put whoopee cushions on the professor's chair

"Quick, Professor Snape's coming. Act natural!"

"Right—oh, err, the amount of homework is so _ridiculous_, it could defeat a boggart."

"Err, yes. Totally."

_BLAAARRTT_

"Thatch, O'Malley—one week of detention."

* * *

Number 15: I am not allowed to take Professor Dumbledore's Zefron poster

"They're breathtaking, those arms, aren't they, Thad?"

"Very much so, Jinx."

"I find that they are quite exquisite, children."

"Err, Professor Dumbledore! Thaddeus here was just returning your poster… Cheers!"

"Jinx! Where are you going?! What happened to 'we're all in this together'?"

* * *

Number 16: I am not allowed to enchant armor to sing "I Will Survive"

"_At first I was afraid, I was petrified~"_

"O'Malley, Thatch! There is a basilisk on the loose and you two are enchanting armor? Detention and ten points each!"

"Oh, that's a good one, professor! Elliot the basilisk~ is on the loose, dun nun nuh nun!"

"Hm, it doesn't have the same ring to it, Jinx."

"The day when you two graduate can't come soon enough."

* * *

Number 17: I am not allowed to super-glue students' shoes to the floor

"I can't move my feet!"

"Me neither!"

"What's going on?"

"Release the dung bombs!"

"Muahahaha!"

* * *

Number 18: I am not allowed to bother Draco Malfoy with A Very Potter Musical references, even if he is an annoying little shit

"Malfoy! You little shit!"

"You wouldn't last five minutes at Pigfarts!"

"Sod off, you two!"

* * *

Number 19: I am not allowed to have nerf-gun fights in the castle

"What in Merlin's name is going on here?"

"Duck, professor! The red team's gaining!"

"Wha—ack! Ten points from each of your houses!"

* * *

Number 20: I am not allowed to saran wrap doorways

"Shh, here comes Krum!"

"Argh! Vat kind of magic iz zis?"

* * *

Number 21: I am not allowed to run a light-up sketchers shoes black market

"Oh my wizard god, those are the coolest!"

"Do you have any in pink?"

"They're totally super mega-awesome foxy hot!"

"What about hot rod red? Got any of those in a size nine?"

"What the devil is going on here?"

"Scatter! It's Professor Snape!"

* * *

Number 22: I am not allowed to cover toilet seats with saran wrap

"Wait, he's going in…"

"What the—arggghhh! It's too early in the morning for this rubbish!"

* * *

Number 23: I am not allowed to dump glitter on unsuspecting students

"One… Two… Three!"

"Ahhh!"

"What is this stuff?"

"I look like a sodding fairy! Make it stop!"

* * *

Number 24: I am not allowed to give Death Eaters fashion advice

"Oh, honey, that's not a good look for you."

"Yeah, shopping rule number one: if it's not black, put it back on the rack."

* * *

Number 25: I am not allowed to reference A Very Potter Musical since it breaks the fourth wall

"Cheer up, Harry. Maybe it'll be like Mushu from Mulan."

"Or Puff the Magic Dragon!"

"That's not helping."

* * *

Number 26: I am not allowed to burst into song during dinner

"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?"

"Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality~"

"Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see~"

"I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy~"

"Oi! Cut it out you lot!"

"Shut your whore mouth, Malfoy! Bohemian Rhapsody is a beautiful song!"

… And I am not allowed to tell Draco Malfoy to shut his whore mouth, even if it's true.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thaddeus Thatch and Jinx O'Malley are back**** — if only for a spell.**

* * *

Number 27: I am not allowed to impersonate Merlin and scare the first years

"Ah! Merlin's beard! Where did you come from?"

"Yes, it's quite nice, isn't it? Grew it myself."

* * *

Number 28: I am still not allowed to bother Malfoy with A Very Potter Musical references

"Say, Malfoy, what is it that you really want? Your greatest desire…"

"Could it be… HERMIONE GRANGER? …and a rocket ship?"

"I will hex the both of you if you don't sod off!"

* * *

Number 29: I am not allowed to jazz-up the dress code

"Mr. Thatch! Red-velvet trousers are not part of this school's uniform!"

"But, you have to agree, professor, these trousers make my rear look absolutely divine."

"Five points, Thatch."

* * *

Number 30: I am not allowed to question the anatomy of a hippogriff

"It's a horse chicken."

"But its name says it's part hippo and part griffin."

"Looks more like an overgrown chicken-horse with wings."

"Professor Hagrid, why's the chicken-horse scraping its hoof on the ground—Oh, shit. RUN!"

* * *

Number 31: I am not allowed to send Howlers to the Dark Lord

"My lord, you have a letter…"

"Severus, what is the meaning of this?"

"It…looks like a howler, my lord."

"A howler? Who would dare send me, the Dark Lord, a howler?!"

"My lord, you may want to open it before—"

"—WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

AND IT SHOWS

WHEN WE STAND  
HAND IN HAND  
MAKE OUR DREAMS COME TRUE!"

"…Damn it."


End file.
